


I used to think you would always be there like air

by FallOutStucky



Series: Chanhun Advent Calender [14]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Advent Calendar, Angst, Christmas, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Pining, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 08:43:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16991745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallOutStucky/pseuds/FallOutStucky
Summary: Day 14:Chanyeol can´t live like this, can´t live without him.





	I used to think you would always be there like air

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry for this.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> (no one´s dead though, no worries)

Chanyeol is alone. Completely alone. He feels empty, lost, like a piece of him is missing.  
He knows that it's selfish of him to think like this, he doesn't have the right to feel like this. In no sense. He still does.

It's the 23rd of December, the day before Christmas and he's lying on the couch of his and Kyungsoo's shared flat and tries to drown his sorrows in cookies and hot chocolate. A Nightmare before Christmas plays on the TV, he doesn't pay attention to it. Doesn't have to, he has watched the movie for about twenty times since Halloween. It reminds him of his best friend, that's why he's doing it. Every year they had watched it together. Twice. The day before Halloween and the day before Christmas. But not this year.  
He nibbles on a chocolate cookie and sighs. He has always loved Christmas but this year is the worst. He has left in August and Chanyeol thought he'd be over it by now. Thought he'd be used to being lonely and for some time, for about the second half of September, he was. Then it had got worse again over Halloween since they had always done something together, though it wasn't too bad then. But after that Christmas had come and everything had gone to waste. He cried almost every day, was always cranky and simply refused to celebrate. Christmas had always been their thing. They have so many traditions together and Chanyeol just doesn't feel like doing them alone. So he decides to put up a new tradition: being a miserable, cranky mess.

Kyungsoo is watching Chanyeol being pathetic from where he's standing at the kitchen island cutting vegetables for their dinner.

"This is not healthy", he comments.

Chanyeol swallows the rest of his cookie and looks up at him. "It's chocolate, of course it's not healthy."

"That's not what I meant and you know it. You can't mope forever. You have to go on with your life."

"What life?", Chanyeol whines. "It's not like I have one without him being here."

"Oh my god, Chanyeol. You make it sound like Sehun's dead. He's just studying abroad for one year. He'll be back in just five months", Kyungsoo scolds him. He has stopped chopping and is now snacking on a piece of carrot.

"There's a difference?", Chanyeol exclaims, burying his face in a pillow.

"This is exactly what Baekhyun meant when he said that your relationship is unhealthy close."

"You know, the thing is. When he's here there are weeks when we don't see each other like at all. But it's not bad because I know that the chance is still there. And now…? No matter how much I want to see him, how much I want to hug him or tell him how my day was. I can't. And because of that dumb time…. There's only like … hours when we can talk to each other. This sucks. This sucks big time."

Chanyeol reaches for a peanut butter cookie and dips it into his hot chocolate. Kyungsoo has stopped his cooking process completely and made his way over to the armchair next to Chanyeol. He nods slowly.

"You know that these aren't normal feelings you have for your best friend, right?"

Chanyeol laughs ironically. "Yeah I know. I've been in love with him for a few years by now. And I know he loves me too."

He watches in agony as his cookie dissolves into the hot liquid.

"And the thing is that I feel so guilty having these feelings. Like I couldn't tell him before because he wouldn't have gone if I had told him. But now I wish that I had done it so that he would still be here with me. Which is so fucking egoistic because I can't hold him back. Sehun had dreamed to be a director for so long and with a certificate from this film school he actually might have the chance to be one. I would never force him to choose between me and his dream."

Kyungsoo shakes his head vehemently. "Don't say it like this. You know Sehun, he would have found a way to have both."

"Yeah I know him and I know that he would have dropped everything to be with me…but it would have destroyed our relationship. I couldn't have lived happily with him knowing that I destroyed his dream."

They sit together in silence for a while. Kyungsoo not knowing what to say to that and Chanyeol not really in the mood to continue. When Kyungsoo eventually needs to get up to remove the potatoes from the heat Chanyeol speaks up again.

"Guess I'll have to live with it now. Knowing that I'll spend Christmas completely alone… I mean it's only one time right?"

Kyungsoo nods, hoping that Chanyeol could keep this mindset at least for a bit.

Later, when Chanyeol lays in bed he thinks about Sehun again. As always. And he finds that what really hurts him is that he's alone with his feeling. Sehun is having fun in Chicago, with his new friends in his new life, he's probably not missing Chanyeol even a bit.

The next day is Christmas Eve and Chanyeol's misery has reached a new level. He sleeps until noon after having stayed up until really late to try and distract his thoughts from Sehun by reading.  
When he eventually wakes up Kyungsoo is long gone. He had taken an early train to arrive at his family's house in time. As empty as the apartment feels without Kyungsoo, Chanyeol is kinda glad that he's gone. Because that means he can be miserable without anyone bothering him.

No one tells him not to eat a whole tub of chocolate mint ice cream or drink four hot chocolates with coffee liquor or to not order a whole party pizza all for himself. So he does just that. There's a Marvel marathon on TV and Chanyeol just lets the movies run without paying much, knowing most of them by heart from watching them almost ten times.  
He's playing games on his phone and occasionally cries for a bit until the hazy combination of sugar, pizza and alcohol causes him to fall asleep on the couch.

It's still dark outside the next time Chanyeol opens his eyes. Barley 7am. He's cold and sticky so he decides to take a shower.  
Under the hot water his thoughts begin to wander.  
He thinks back to when he had first met Sehun. He'd been a junior and Sehun had just entered High School. Even though they were in different grades they were both members of the basketball team and quickly became friends. Soon they were inseparable both on the field and outside of it. They became the stars of the school, leading their team to the national championships and became famous for having the best dynamics of any offensive duo in their league.

The dynamics they showed in the game were direct results of them being best friends in real life. They shared so many interests and their characters intertwined so well with each other. Even though Chanyeol was the older one, Sehun was the one taking care of him. He was a bit of a mess most of the time and Sehun made sure that Chanyeol still managed to get everything done perfectly. He cared for him so much, giving him safety and love. In return Chanyeol pushed him out of his comfort zone, animated him to peruse his dreams and reach higher and higher, helping him overcome his insecurities.

Eight years later that still hasn't changed. They've never been apart for longer than a few days. Until Sehun went to Chicago to get his degree in media dramaturgy and Chanyeol stayed in Seoul to work as a a sports therapist.

He turns the water off and got out of the shower to dry himself off.

Chanyeol couldn't pinpoint the exact moment that he had fallen in love with Sehun but he knew that it had been some time during Sehun's last year of High School. Some day he had realized that maybe, probably, most definitely he didn't just like Sehun as his best friend, that he loved him.

When Chanyeol has changed into a hoodie and a new pair of pyjama pants, he walks into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. He refills the water container and presses the button before picking up his phone from the kitchen table. It's blinking blue, signalling a missed text messages. He checks the screen and his heart skips a beat when he sees who the massage's from.

*Skype session at 10? :))* it reads. Chanyeol shoots a look at the clock hanging over the counter. Ten, that's in about half an hour. Just enough time for Chanyeol to prepare some breakfast.

While he pulls out a box of cereals out of the cupboard Chanyeol thinks. Ten am in Seoul, that's seven pm in Chicago, on Christmas Eve. He frowns. Shouldn't Sehun have plans? He surely doesn't want to spend his evening skyping with Chanyeol. He probably just wants to wish him a quick Merry Christmas before going to some party with his room-mate.

The thought makes him sadder again and if it weren´t for every single cell in him having the deep burning desire to see Sehun again, he would've declined and told his friend that he didn't have time. But he couldn't. He just needed to see him, even if it's just for a few minutes.  
Chanyeol tries to keep the tears in but a single one still tries to escape, rolling down his cheek and falling into his bowl of cereals.  
He just loves Sehun so much. The love he feels for his best friend is burning him up from the in side. It hurts, hurts so much that he can't be with him. That he can't tell him, can't even touch him right now.  
It's been tough the whole time Sehun's been gone but it has never hurt as much as right now when Chanyeol opens his laptop with trembling fingers.

He's sitting on his couch, wrapped in a blanket, the bowl of cereal next to his laptop on the table.  
When the clock in the right bottom corner switches to 10 his heart skips a beat. Nothing happens. He has to wait two more minutes before a small bing signals an incoming call.

Chanyeol clicks on the accept button and waits for Sehun's face to appear on the screen.

Sehun's smile lights up his whole heart as soon as the connection is stable.

"Hi", he breathes out, close to crying again.

„Merry Christmas“, Sehun just says as a greeting, making Chanyeol actually smile.

Sehun looks amazing, his hair is a little lighter than it used to be, his skin a soft tan and his eyes are sparkling. Chanyeol misses him so much, he probably could have been sitting there in a trash bag and with greasy hair and Chanyeol would still find him beautiful.  
Chanyeol on the other hand really looks a mess and he knows that Sehun can see it. He´s known him long enough to know what Chanyeol looks like when he´s having a breakdown and his favourite hoodie and a soup bowl full of cereals, Chanyeol's number one comfort food, were a pretty good indicator for that.

"You look terrible."

Chanyeol snorts. "I feel terrible."

There's no need to beat around the bush, Chanyeol's never been good at hiding his real emotions from Sehun.

„What are you doing at home?“, he asks to change the topic. „It´s Christmas Eve, shouldn´t you be out partying with your friends?“

Sehun always told him how fun it was with them, especially his room-mate Johnny, who he got along with pretty well. Chanyeol was so sure that he´d spend the day with them.

The younger shakes his head and just now Chanyeol realizes that he isn´t wearing any fancy clothes to go out. On the contrary, he´s wearing sweat pants and a shirt that has food stains on the front. „I´m not really in the mood for going out. Johnny´s left half an hour ago to spend the evening with his boyfriend´s family. So I´m all alone tonight. Probably gonna reheat some leftover pizza, eat some cake, you know.“

Chanyeol nods even though he´s still trying to process that. Wasn´t Sehun having the perfect life in Chicago? Without him? Why would he have the need to spend Christmas alone if that was really the case? He surely could´ve gone with Johnny and his boyfriend, who as far as Chanyeol knew was also friends with Sehun, or he could´ve just joined someone else.

„What about you?“, Sehun continues and Chanyeol can´t help but feel like something´s off. There´s nothing of their usual chemistry and easiness. „Did you go see the fireworks yesterday?“

Chanyeol shakes his head. How could he? Going to see the fireworks on Christmas Eve was one of his and Sehun´s most treasured traditions. He´d never do it alone.  
„It wouldn´t be the same without you“, he admits.  
Sehun nods. "Yeah, but you can´t just throw everything nice in your life away just because I´m not there with you."  
Chanyeol shrugs. "What am I supposed to do? It´s not like there´s anything nice in my life without you." They just stare at each other for some time, Chanyeol´s heart beating like crazy. Has he said too much?"  
„You didn´t want me to leave“, Sehun says as a matter of fact.  
"What?", Chanyeol stutters. He doesn´t understand. He did his best to hide his feelings from Sehun, too scared to destory his future.   
"Just say it." He looks mad and Chanyeol doesn´t understand.  
He nods carefully, heart beating out of his chest. He feels frightend. From the start he´d known that something was off with Sehun. Knowing him for as long as Chanyeol has he could detect his best friend´s hidden intetions very easily.  
„You should have told me“, Sehun goes on, sounding really angry now. Chanyeol´s tears have started falling again without him noticing. He was scared, so damn scared. This was meant to be a short, nice Skype call, not the end of Chanyeol´s life.

"How could I?", Chanyeol almost yells, tears streaming down his face uncontrollably. "How could I be this selfish."

"Just be selfish! Gosh Chanyeol, just once be fucking selfish and tell me how much you want me!" Sehun, too is screaming now.

Chanyeol can´t really see him properly the tears blurring his sight. His voice is horse and broken as he finally presses out the words he wanted to say for so long.

„What? What am I supposed to say? That I love you so much, that it hurts? That I wake up every morning and want nothing more than for you to be right there besides me?“ He takes a second to breathe through his sobs. „I need you so much, it´s unhealthy. Whenever we´re together I can´t help but think about kissing you, about loving you and I want you so badly. And now that you´re gone I don´t know how to function properly. I miss you so much, it causes me real, physical pain. I don´t know how to live without you here and I know I´m not supposed to tell you that but it´s the truth. Every day I regret that I haven´t begged you to stay here, that I never told you how I feel. I just didn´t want you to choose. You shouldn´t have to choose between me and realizing your dreams.“

He feels devastated, drained. He has said everything he has always wanted to say. Let out all the emotions he has had stuffed away inside him and now he just feels empty.  
He rubs his eyes only to see Sehun sobbing into his hands. It stings in his heart, as if someone´s put a dagger through it. In all the years he´s known Sehun, he has never seen him cry. He was the one who cried, who was overemotional and Sehun was the calm collected one. Not the other way around so seeing him cry now was not only painful but also strange. Chanyeol doesn´t know what to do, what to say, he just has to sit still, keep quiet and watch Sehun cry.

It takes some time before Sehun has calmed down enough to talk.  
„I wanted you so bad to tell me that I should stay. That you wanted me to stay with you. I yearned to hear those words from you, to hear that you love me, because I was to damn scared to do it myself. So I thought if I cornered you, if I did something so drastic that you didn´t have a choice but tell me... but that backfired because you had to be so damn good. So damn selfless to put my assumed happiness over yours. You are really clever, and know a lot of stuff hyung, but this time you´re wrong. Yes, you couldn´t make me choose between you and anything, ever. But not because you´re selfish, because it would never be a choice. Because the answer would always be you.“ Sehun wipes his tears away, now smiling. "You know that I love you more than everything right?", he asks.

Chanyeol nods, tears streaming down his face. "I love you, too", he sobs.

"Yeah I figured", Sehun says, laughing through his tears. Behind the screen he also started to cry again. But his tears are none of sorrow any more. They are happy tears. Tears which promise love and care, a future together.

Chanyeol presses is hand against the place on the screen where Sehun's is resting so many kilometres far away.

"I can't wait for you to come home so that I can kiss you", Chanyeol admits.

Sehun laughs again, a wholehearted teary laugh. Chanyeol loves all of him so much but this laugh right there, might just be his favourite thing about Sehun. Because it meant that he returned his feelings, that all his worries had been useless and that they would be together.

"Me too."


End file.
